One Hand Waving Free - Good days and bad days

You know, I've received a lot of emails from people telling me that they're proud of me or that they really respect what I'm doing or that I'm brave and the like. I like these emails. On my bad days they keep me going, but the truth is... they're all false statements. Well maybe 'false' is the wrong word, but the truth is that I am none of these things, at least in the sense of my placement with EWB. What have I done except act when I had the means to do it? When I could give of my excess?

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.
Calling the disciples to him, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything-all she had to live on. (Mark 12:41-44)

I have seen so many instances of people, here in Malawi, who give and give and give, when they have nothing to give in the first place, and it is humbling. They have even given to me (who in monetary terms have infinitely more than they do), beans, rice, chickens, and when I protest, they ignore my protestations.

Come to think of it, I have seen instances of ultimate giving in Canada, in my family, in my friends, in strangers...

I remember, sitting on a plane from Edmonton to Toronto heading to EWB training. I was sitting beside this girl and, in between her sporadic vomiting into barf bags, we had a very nice conversation. I asked what she was doing (she was/is? a hearing specialist) and she asked what I was doing. I told her about my EWB placement. At this point, people usually say things like, "Wow, that's great. Good for you.", things of that nature. As I awaited for the glowing accolades, the standing ovations, I was greeted with the saying, "Wow, you're lucky that you have the opportunity to do something like that". I realized, then and there, how right she was. I am lucky. I am lucky that I can take a year off of work, a privilege many do not have. I am lucky that I get to experience this. I am lucky to be in Malawi.

I have been told that I am brave, good, thoughtful. Most days I feel weak, useless... There are some days that I feel like I'm not doing any good, that I'm just wasting my time, wasting Malawian's time, that I should be back in Canada working, making money...

When I first signed up, I had pictures in my head that I would come in here and instantly make things better. Now, more sober from my drunken ignorance, I see that this is going to be an enormous task, and it isn't going to be making the difference. It's going to be Malawians. Also, it is going to be you, in the western world, through the choices you make, the government you elect, to create conditions that support growth for the poor of the world.

I lived well in Canada. The truth is that I live well over here. I probably, no, I do live better than most Malawians, than most people in the world. In Canada, I lived an easy life. I lived well. Here, I live an easy life. I live well. So, while I wish to thank you for the nice and heart-warming emails and letters I receive, the truth is that they are misplaced. They make me feel great, not in the sense that I believe that about myself, but because I know that people care, so again thank you. On my good days, I am happy to be here, to work at this, to try and make some impact. On my bad days, I feel useless, weak, tired, I have no idea what possessed me to come here in the first place, and I want to return to Canada. It won't be me who will make a difference. It will be you...

Mother Teresa once said that being poor is not the worst kind of poverty. Loneliness, feeling unwanted, unloved, these are the worst kind.

Reach out to people... over here... at home... every day... one of life's great contradictions is that giving fills you up...

Life is walked, not in large leaps, but in small steps...